Sensitivity Trainer

October 31, 2010

Three guys were working on a high rise building project: Steve, Bill and Charlie. Steve falls off and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Charlie says, “Someone should go and tell his wife.”

Bill says, “OK, I’m pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I’ll do it”.

2 hours later, he comes back carrying a 6-pack.

Charlie says, “Where did you get that, Bill?”

“Steve’s wife gave it to me.”

“That’s unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?”

Bill says, “Well not exactly. When she answered the door, I said to her, ‘You must be Steve’s widow.'”

She said, “‘No, I’m not a widow.”

And I said, “Wanna bet me a six-pack?

I Didn't Do It

October 30, 2010

There were two little boys, 8 and 10 years old, very mischievous and naughty. They were always get into trouble and their parents knew that, if any mischief occurred in their city, their sons were probably involved.

They boy’s mother heard that a clergyman in city had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them individually. So the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning and 10-year-old in the afternoon to see the clergyman .

The clergyman, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, “Where is God?”.

They boy’s mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed. So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, “Where is God!!?” Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy’s face and bellowed, “WHERE IS GOD!?”

The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, “What happened?”

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, “We are in BIG trouble this time, dude. God is missing – and they think WE did it!”

A Picture is Worth a Thousand Laughs

October 28, 2010

Little Tommy’s kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station. There they saw pictures tacked to a big bulletin board. The label clearly read, “The 10 Most Wanted.”

One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.

“Yes,” said the policeman, “the detectives want him very badly.”

So Little Tommy asked, while tugging on the man’s belt, “Um, mister, why didn’t you keep them when you took their pictures?”

Maybe Next Time

October 27, 2010

I made good money on IBM way back when they were in the 70’s, but an article today about their $10 billion stock buy back reminds me I would have twice as much if I had held on to it.

Silence Enbolden

October 27, 2010

By the time the Chief pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken.  “You’ve got to have a room somewhere,” he pleaded, “or just a bed, I don’t care where.”

“Well, I do have a double room with one occupant – a Marine Gunny,” admitted the manager, “and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I’m not sure it’d be worth it to you.”

“No problem,” the tired Chief assured him, “I’ll take it.”

The next morning the Chief came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.

“How’d you sleep?” asked the manager.

“Never better.”

The manager was impressed. “No problem with the other guy snoring?”

“Nope, I shut him up in no time”, said the Chief.

“How’d you manage that?” asked the manager.

“He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room,” the Chief explained. “I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, and said, ‘Goodnight, beautiful,’ and he sat up all night watching me.”

Follow the Bouncing Ball

October 27, 2010

I had share of CSR just before the big recovery last year. I my panic of that year I sold at a wider loss than I should have. Now I see them lined up for a profit again. Providing the market it stays the same and only my intestinal fortitude varies, this time should see a 15% upside by January.

Quality Quotable Quips

October 25, 2010

I was so ugly, my mother used to feed me with a slingshot!

And we were poor too. Why, if I wasn’t born a boy, I’d have nothing to play with!

I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back !!

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

My uncle’s dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

Growing up:
I’m not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price.

A hooker once told me she had a headache

A girl phoned me and said, “Come on over. There’s nobody home.”  I went over. Nobody was home!

After marriage
Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee.  The only trouble was, she was coming home !!

It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass!

One day as I came home early from work, I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, “Hey buddy…why are you doing that for?”  He said, “Because you came home early.”

Why Some Folks Call It Duck Tape

October 24, 2010

A farmer is sitting on the front porch of his house one hot summer day, when this kid comes walking down the road carrying a big bundle of wire. “Hey kid!” the farmer says, “where ya goin’ with that wire?”

“Well,” the kid drawls, “this here ain’t just any ol’ wire, this here’s chicken wire. I’m fixin’ to catch me some chickens!”

“You can’t catch chickens with chicken wire!” says the farmer.

“Sure I can!” the kid says, and takes off down the road.

He comes back at the end of the day and sure enough, he’s got a whole mess of chickens caught in his chicken wire.

Well, the farmer’s sitting on his porch the next day, and the same kid comes walking down the lane, carrying a big roll of tape. “Hey kid!” the farmer yells, “where ya goin’ with that tape?”

“Well, this here ain’t just any ol’ tape,” says the kid, “this here’s duck tape. I’m fixin’ to catch me some ducks!”

“You can’t catch ducks with duck tape!” says the farmer.

“Sure I can!” the kid says, and takes off down the road. He comes back at the end of the day and again, the farmer can’t believe his eyes. The kid has a whole bunch of ducks all wrapped up tightly in his tape.

The next day the farmer’s sitting on his porch again, and the kid comes walking down the road carrying a stick. “Hey kid!” the farmer says, “where ya goin’ with that stick?”

“Well, this here ain’t just any old stick,” says the kid, “this here’s pussy willow.”

“Hang on,” says the farmer, “I’ll get my hat!”

NABI Revisited

October 24, 2010

My paranoid limit buy posted here in March went through, and I was getting ready to set a short-term limit sell, when I ran across an article on listing it as a potential doubler. Hmmm. They’ve steered me in both directions, but I’m going to bet with them today… for now.

2 Dozen Perpetual Questions

October 22, 2010

You’ve probably seen most of these before, but not assembled here:

  1. Can you cry under water?
  2. How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
  3. Why do you have to “put your two cents in”… but it’s only a “penny for your thoughts”? Where’s that extra penny going to?
  4. Once you’re in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
  5. Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
  6. What disease did cured ham actually have?
  7. How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
  8. Why is it that people say they “slept like a baby” when babies wake up like every two hours?
  9. If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
  10. Why are you IN a movie, but you’re ON TV?
  11. Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
  12. Why do doctors leave the room while you change?  They’re going to see you naked anyway.
  13. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
  14. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
  15. Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?
  16. If the professor on Gilligan’s Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can’t he fix a hole in a boat?
  17. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?  They’re both dogs!
  18. If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
  19. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
  20. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
  21. Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
  22. Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
  23. Why do they call it an asteroid when it’s outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it’s in your A**?
  24. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?