Ghostly Advice

October 21, 2010

One night, George W. Bush is tossing restlessly in his White House bed. He awakens to see George Washington standing by him. Bush asks him, “George, what’s the best thing I can do to help the country?”

“Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did,” Washington advises, then fades away.

But Bush did not know exactly how ?

The next night, Bush is astir again, and sees the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moving through the darkened bedroom. Bush calls out, “Tom, please! What is the best thing I could do to help the country?”

“Respect the Constitution, like I did,” Jefferson advises, and dims from sight.

But Bush did not know exactly how ?

Bush isn’t sleeping well the third night when he sees another figure moving in the shadows. It is Abraham Lincoln’s ghost. “Abe, what is the best thing I can do right now, to help the country?” Bush pleads.

Abe replies: “Go see a play”.

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Teachings Of the Wise Mother

October 20, 2010

1. My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION…
“Just wait until we get home”.

2. My Mother taught me about RECEIVING….
“You are going to get it when we get home”!

3. My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE…
“What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you … Don’t talk back to me”!

4. My Mother taught me LOGIC…
“If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to the store with me”.

5. My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE…
“If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way”.

6. My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD…
“If you don’t pass your spelling test, you’ll never get a good job”.

7. My Mother taught me ESP…
“Put your sweater on; don’t you think I know when you’re cold”?

8. My Mother taught me HUMOR…
“When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me”.

9. My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT…
“If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up”.

10. My Mother taught me about SEX….
“How do you think you got here”?

11. My Mother taught me about GENETICS…
“You’re just like your father”.

12. My Mother taught me about my ROOTS…
“Do you think you were born? In a barn”?

13. My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE…
“When you get to be my age, you will understand”.

14. And my all time favorite… JUSTICE…
“One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you….Then you’ll see what it’s like”

Password Envy

October 18, 2010

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, told him that he would now need to enter a password… Something he will use to log on.

The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife’s attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in:

P E N I S

The response from the computer shrunk his ambition:
***PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH***

If it Weren't a Sin…

October 17, 2010

A man went to see his priest and stated in a very serious tone, “Father, something horrible is happening and I must talk to you about it”.

“What is wrong, my son” asked the priest?

“My wife is poisoning me” stated the man.

The priest, very shocked by this, asked, “”How can that be”?

“I’m tell you, Father, I’m positive she’s poisoning me. What should I do” the man pleaded?

“Tell you what. Let me talk to her. I’ll see what I can find out and I’ll let you know” said the priest.

A few days later, the priest called the man and said, “Well, I have spoken with your wife. We spoke on the phone for almost four hours. Do you want my advice”?

The man anxiously replied, “Yes”.

“Take the poison” said the priest!

School Phase

October 16, 2010

One Early morning a mother went to her sleeping son and woke him up.

MOM : “Wake up, son. It’s time to go to school.”

SON : “But why, Mama? I don’t want to go to school.”

MOM : “Give me two reasons why you don’t want to go to school.”

SON : “One, all the chilldren hate me. Two, all the teachers hate me.”

MOM : “Oh! that’s not a reason. Come on, you have to go to school.”

SON : “Give me two good reasons WHY I should go to school?”

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One, you are FIFTY-TWO years old and should understand your responsibilities.

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Two, you are the PRINCIPAL of the school.

Alf Vocabularly Lesson

October 11, 2010

A boy asks his father to explain the differences among irritation, aggravation, and frustration.

Dad picks up the phone and dials a number at random. When the phone is answered he asks, “Can I speak to Alf, please?”

“No! There’s no one called Alf here.” The person hangs up.

“That’s irritation,” says Dad.

He picks up the phone again, dials the same number and asks for Alf a second time.

“No — there’s no one here called Alf. Go away. If you call again I shall telephone the police.” End of conversation.

“That’s aggravation.”

“Then what’s ‘frustration’?” asks his son.

The father picks up the phone and dials a third time:

“Hello, this is Alf. Have I received any phone calls?”

Really, I'm Fine

October 8, 2010

A farmer named Clyde had a car accident.

In court, the trucking company’s fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde .
“Didn’t you say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine,’?” asked the lawyer.
Clyde responded, “Well, I’ll tell you what happened.

I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie…”

“I didn’t ask for any details”, the lawyer interrupted.

“Just answer the question.

Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine!’?”

Clyde said, “Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road…..”

The lawyer interrupted again and said, “Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine.

Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud.  Please tell him to simply answer the question.”

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde ‘s answer and said to the lawyer, “I’d like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie”.

Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded.

“Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie,my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn’t want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning.. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.

Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me and said, “How are you feeling?”

“Now what the hell would you say?”

Dot Com Crumb at the Bottom of the Box?

October 7, 2010

PRGS stock buy back plan reminded me of when there were lots of software companies nobody ever heard of that were making money. This one has good numbers, so going to keep an eye for a pull-back and see if the value is still there.

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A Parrot's Bite is Worse Than Its Bark

October 7, 2010

Rhonda’s dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, “I’ll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I’ll mail you a check. Oh, by the way don’t worry about my bulldog. He won’t bother you.

But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!” “I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!”

When the repairman arrived at Wanda’s apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn’t contain himself any longer and yelled, “Shut up, you stupid ugly bird!” To which the parrot replied, “Get him, Spike!”

Keeping You Covered This Season

October 6, 2010

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cute glass bowl Sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

‘Miss Beatrice’, he said, ‘I wonder if you would tell me about this?’  Pointing to the bowl.

‘Oh, yes,’ she replied, ‘Isn’t it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven’t had the flu all winter.’